This story was first published in my anthology, Ten Tales for Tomorrow, a sci-fi collection, on 1^st January 2011. The eBook, running to around 30,000 words, is one of half a dozen in a promotion run by the publishing organisation, Smashwords. You can buy it here. Caution: some readers may find some of the content disturbing.

A Gastronomic Treat at the Edge of the Galaxy.

As regular readers will undoubtedly recall from previous examples of my brilliance, I am just the tiniest bit particular about my food. Some have even had the perspicacity to describe me as ‘fussy’ when it comes to what I place within myself via that most wonderful orifice. The one that facilitates nutrition, that is; not the other one! Naughty, naughty.

However, my role as Universal Gastronome requires me to savour the delights of every planet I discover on my travels for your edification. I am occasionally forced into the necessity of ingesting unfortunate samples of matter cruelly masquerading as nutrition.

No one, least of all me, will forget my appalling experience with those disgusting clumps of chlorine laden jelly in the revolting atmosphere of the misbegotten giant circling our nearest neighbouring star. How any species worthy of the name can consider itself a lifeform when it exists in such bad taste is beyond understanding. Such creatures deserve extinction and excision from the memory of all civilised life. Extinction is easily organised, as we all know. Memory is a different matter, but the best way of dealing with such bitter recall is to linger over newly formed experiences of an altogether more delightful nature.

So, I’m sure you’ll enjoy this little tale of my very pleasant experiences on the small third planet, a truly blue gem of a globe, I discovered orbiting a singularly unimpressive star in nearby sector APTX785629. (As always, for your convenience, accurate co-ordinates and an advisory route appear in the appendix at the end of this feature).

My initial inspection quickly made it clear that some rudimentary organisation exists amongst the highest and most numerous of the species large enough to be of interest to those of us who enjoy our food. There are other delights to be had on this world, but for the moment I must both warn and encourage enthusiasts regarding the dominant species; a bipedal lifeform with some unfortunate habits. But the words, ‘succulent’, ‘delicious’ and ‘delightful’ spring to mind even as I write. And my juices flow with the memory. Wondrous. But I get ahead of myself; forgive me.

Evidence of nest soiling by the chosen food samples is rampant; a clear sign of vulgarity and underdevelopment. Also, they have made no attempt to harmonize with the environment of the planet. Indications are that very soon the rather thin and delicate atmosphere, an odd mixture of oxygen and nitrogen with many trace gases, will be so unbalanced as to render it no longer breathable by any complex sentient life form. That is of little matter, except that I therefore advise you to make your visit sooner rather than later in order to avoid the disappointment of missing out on a very tasty morsel. Very tasty indeed.

But, again, my enthusiasm runs away with me. Some tantalising facts and cautionary words must delay our enjoyment of the culinary delights.

I was able to secrete our Starflyer on the far side of their single moon: a strange sphere of decidedly lifeless and boring rock that circles the planet with one face always toward the surface of its host, as if it has become enamoured of its larger, lively, and rather lovely companion, and must forever gaze there in admiration. Certainly, there are indications the sentient populace sees it in that light, if their odd obsession with sentimental personal affection is anything to go by. Ugh!

The journey to the surface in the new pod, for the loan of which, I thank you all exceedingly, took me through a surprising chaos of artificial satellites and debris. I was obliged to blast some of these objects out of my way to avoid damage to our dear craft. But it transpired that the low-level signals passing between the satellites and the planet consisted largely of infantile data and simple interchanges of the most banal sort. Another indication of the paucity of intellect on the surface.

The creatures of interest congregate mostly in large colonies on the land masses and tend to avoid extremes of height, cold, heat and drought. Though there are examples of nesting in all such locations. The most intelligent life forms actually occupy the oceans and I left them alone. Due to their essentially peaceful nature and total lack of technological dependence, they are in serious decline as a result of the activities of the land creatures. Yet another reason for our intervention here. I always feel it’s such a shame when a lesser species has control of another, more worthy, simply as a result of success in procreation, don’t you?

As usual, I kept my presence hidden as I made my first inspections on the ground; it doesn’t do to scare away food before you’ve sampled it, after all.

A rapid global survey identified the wide variety of nesting sites occupied by the dominant species. I suggest you avoid the larger hives, where literally millions of them live amongst their own excretions, pollution, and general detritus. The concentration of toxins at ground level and in the atmosphere in these areas constitutes a serious health hazard.

My eventual chosen location was a relatively small nest on one of the bigger land masses: though it was in close proximity to a major settlement where, judging by its excessive presence, artificial light appears to be the subject of primitive worship.

Across the globe, the dwellings vary from eccentrically tall, artificially constructed geometrical blocks down to the most basic irregular structures made entirely of natural materials. My dining area consisted of slightly more sophisticated structures lying somewhere in between these two extremes.

A strange babble pervades the atmosphere, causing sensitive visitors a certain discomfort, and I advise those who follow me to take protective precautions to prevent unnecessary suffering. They communicate with each other using primitive wave systems. But what I translated was almost entirely trivial and so diverse as to be all but unintelligible.

Certainly, there is no truly common language; merely an apparently infinite number of different codes, which seem to cause more division than harmony. Their system of messaging, if such it can be called, follows no logical set of rules that could render it globally useful. And, although there are signs that communication between communities and, indeed, across oceans and landmasses, is of concern to the species, their methods are too primitive and diverse to indicate any meaningful degree of evolutionary advancement.

As usual on such pioneering visits, I disabled their crude communication system at a local level to prevent too much interruption during my explorations. A moderate electromagnetic swipe achieved this. Such simple means could destroy the entire system without physically harming the species. But, a plea to the overenthusiastic: don’t attempt to disable the entire planet this way, as the local response suggests it is likely to lead to panic and, perhaps, the serious depletion of the species by a form of warfare. It wouldn’t do to reduce the population too quickly for the rest of us to enjoy the pleasures to be had.

There is much evidence of conversion of raw materials into artefacts, but this has been done with no concern for the welfare of the planet or any of its inhabitants. The whole way of life and philosophy, if that is not too grand a term for it, is indicative of a species unlikely to develop into anything approaching what we understand as civilisation.

This, of course, was all good news and meant I could proceed without any concerns about the future or even the welfare of the creatures I was about to sample.

I left the pod concealed in the higher reaches of some local mountains and transferred to my chosen location. Each of the habitations in the immediate area (see appendix for exact coordinates upon the surface of the planet) was surrounded by a discrete patch of cultivated land and a belt of tall vegetable growths. I materialised in the centre of just such an area.

The flat area of green was largely populated by what I soon realised were immature specimens and mature females. At first, I thought the smaller creatures were simply a sub-species but it soon dawned that this is one of those odd species with genders; two, or possibly three, in this case. The females give birth to live young and the male responsible for fertilisation, which takes place within the female’s body, is apparently responsible for helping with the maturing of the offspring.

The very concept of invasion of one body by another, of course, indicates desperate underdevelopment. That they indulge in this peculiar act even when procreation is not the aim, is another sign of their extraordinary lack of progress. I note that one of the by-products of this means of procreation is an overbearing reliance on emotional bonds between the pair who create the offspring and between the immatures and their mature creators. Indeed, there is even some evidence that the male is encouraged to invade the female as some form of reward for remaining with it for the time it takes the offspring to mature.

There were no mature male specimens present at the time of my arrival. They appeared at a later stage and, as so often with primitive creatures, took an aggressive stance in defence of their females and immatures.

One item that intrigued me, about which more in a moment, was a relatively large artificial device constructed from thin sheets of hydrocarbon-based material stuck together to form hollows which were filled with gas to make them semi-rigid. The whole was assembled into a shape which mimicked some sort of dwelling. It contained the most hideous collection of primary colours and was truly dreadful to the discerning eye. But the immatures were bouncing on this device and apparently entertained by it, judging by the noises they made.

My arrival had a profound effect, and they were sufficiently sentient to understand that I might not be present for their advantage. I always regret any emotional response felt by undeveloped species, but one must eat.

Their spoken language, if such babbling deserves that title, is so irrational as to be counted as nonsense. You could not sensibly elevate it to the status of proper communication. Their emotional component is so deeply developed that their rational aspect is almost totally submersed by feelings so powerful they defy belief. It leaves them with little room for reasoning and they appear to have surrounded themselves with so much that must be myth and legend that it is impossible to take them seriously.

To divert slightly; their most worrying aspect is their astounding but extraordinarily patchy technological development. As we know, many lower species use tools to aid them in collection of food and similar tasks, but this particular species has developed this to such an extent that they have placed their entire world at risk. Such extravagant resource waste is clearly against the sensible interests of the entire species and all those other life forms that share the living space.

There is, in any case, evidence that they treat resources as if they are individually owned rather than collectively harboured and valued. Even their most essential resource, water, is apparently traded as a commodity. There is such clear savagery in this that I was surprised to see so many living together in close proximity. It seems to me that such selfishness regarding necessities must make for extreme tension between those who have and those who have not. But there was surprisingly little evidence of actual battle, except in a few isolated locations on the planet where they were bent on the indiscriminate destruction of one another along lines I was unable to determine, using some devices that appeared to lack any form of targeting facility.

I conclude that this is one of those barbarian species with a belief in some sort of divine power. Perhaps they invest this supremacy in those who have control over resources. Of course, these considerations meant I was fully justified in sampling rather than making fools of us all by attempting to communicate with the creatures.

As you know, when on the hunt for delicacies, I rarely waste time on preliminaries. Once I had my bearings, I took one of the small immatures and examined it for olfactory evidence of flavour. I devoured it whole. This was not a wise move. Firstly, the creature was packaged in loose layers of artificial woven fibres that were not only indigestible but actually stuck to my teeth. I was forced into the embarrassing necessity of spitting out this coating.

It was at this point I discovered that the various colours I had taken as sub-species were not actually part of the creatures, but synthetic wrappings used for who knows what purpose. They have no scales and are largely hairless with deliciously tender skins, so perhaps they feel exposed without some sort of cover to conceal them. As we’ve discovered in the past, creatures that habitually wrap their natural forms in artificial cloaks are generally not very intelligent.

My second epicurean discovery involved the creature itself. This species has an alimentary tract that is most unpleasant on the palate. Not a matter of texture, you understand, simply of flavour and aroma. Most repellent.

My initial tasting seemed to cause concern to the others present but they made no threatening moves. It’s easy to dismiss a species as cowardly but relative size and my appearance as an exceptional specimen of our magnificent breed must be taken into account. My incisors are about twenty-five per cent the length of a mature of the species and, excluding my exceptional and magnificent tail, I estimate I stand some three point two times higher than their average. However, they merely made a lot of high pitched and irritating noises whilst the matures gathered the remaining immatures behind them. One of the immatures was either too stupid or too unaware to join the others and remained on the artificial device I mentioned previously.

Ever willing to attempt new experiences for my faithful following, I joined the creature on the device and, although it was somewhat small for my thorough enjoyment, I could understand the fun to be had by allowing the air-filled sacks to bounce one up and down. I have given details to our engineers, and they are in the process of developing similar, though more robust, devices for our own amusement. Inevitably, given the lack of forethought and consideration shown in general by the species, their structure collapsed when I landed from a greater than usual bounce. The fun, it seemed, was over.

But I had learned my lesson regarding the food. I extruded an inner blade from a foreclaw and cut the wrappings from the one now wailing amongst the fallen device, exposing soft pinkish skin. The rudimentary but more or less universal protrusion of gender-dependent species indicated it was male. It seemed aware of imminent danger and shrieked a good deal as I removed the coverings.

One of the matures approached, making much noise and giving all the appearance of belligerence. It actually made a foolish attempt to attack me. Useless, of course. I merely curled my tail around it as I proceeded to sample the immature male. After my experience with the false carapace, I thought to excise the real skin from a limb. But this is so fine that I was tempted to test it. The upper limb came away with ease and I found it quite acceptable in terms of flavour and texture.

I then incised along the soft middle area, extracted the alimentary canal, and disposed of it. I was a little distracted by the noises made by the others in the area but, after my first experience, I took this one in several tiny bites. Hunger can be a dangerous master and I refuse to allow my ravenous wants to destroy the moment whenever possible.

The creature provided a mixture of exquisite textures and full flavours, which must be experienced to be thoroughly appreciated. The limbs, in particular, provided a delightful crunch under the succulent soft outer flesh. And the head was a veritable nodule of the most delicious meat encased in a structure that was both chewy and crunchy. The fluid within the creature, warm and delightfully soft to the palate, bears a distinct flavour only previously met on Goglazan, where the food, unfortunately, has now all gone, of course. Wonderful; the flavour, that is, not the depletion of our food stocks. But, from the middle portion, I detected a savour and texture that was…well, out of this universe, the texture so deliciously soft and delightful on the tongue. And the flavour is something only personal experience can truly appreciate.

After that gastronomic delight, I was eager to sample one of the adults and I released the mature from my tail. It stood without detectable concern and turned to face its tribe or group or whatever and made strange gestures whilst using its language skills to make suggestions. My translator made some sense of the message, and it seemed the creature was engaged in persuading the rest to make their escape whilst it provided me with some sort of diversion. It was quite ineffective, however, and the whole crowd simply huddled together in a corner of the ground in front of the habitation.

The mature moved around in a part circle and faced me. To my amazement, it voluntarily removed its wrappings, confirming my initial assessment that it was a female, and offered itself to me. Unlikely as it seems, the translator suggested it was actually pleading to be taken. The sounds emitted by the others were somewhat similar to those I had first heard on arrival as the immatures were bouncing on the artificial device. I concluded that, as occasionally happens with food, this species understands its role is to be enjoyed by superior beings and that they gain a sort of rudimentary pleasure from offering themselves in this manner. Certainly, the attitudes of the other matures seemed a mix of envy and gratitude.

I lifted the creature and examined it, turning it in my claws and weighing it, testing the softness of the flesh and the firmness of the underlying support structure. Of the various types available, it seemed of average construction; neither excessively fat nor lacking in flesh, as were some of the others. This variety indicates that some are overfed, others underfed and yet others given the right level of nutrients. Whether there is some sort of hierarchy governing the way they feed I have no idea, nor, indeed, any interest. I leave such musings to the zoologists. I am, let us admit, an epicurean through and through.

The creature made an effort to escape my hold and it was only when I made the incision to remove the alimentary tract that it responded violently. I did wonder, briefly, at that point whether there might be some apprehension of true sensation there. But, having carefully extracted the gut and disposed of it, I saw at once the source of that extraordinary flavour I had discerned from the middle portion of the male immature. It was clearly some form of internal organ. Dark in colour; soft and relatively large within the cavity, it was easily detached with a single claw blade. The creature struggled pathetically but I wished to keep it fresh as I tasted, so I refrained from crushing the life from it just then.

The taste. Oh, the flavour of that dark organ. Imagine, if you can, the texture of the softest, airiest mousse combined with the piquancy of fresh warm flesh marinated in liquor so divine as to defy description. Bliss. I tell you, I shall return to the place again and again, for as long as the surface supports these creatures, and, bearing in mind their numbers, gorge myself on this single organ, leaving the rest for those with less discerning appetites. A word of warning; there is a very small internal part to this organ, greenish in colour. Under no circumstances place this in your orifice; it has all the features of a toxic depository.

But, for the sake of the experiment and for your delectation, I had to eat the rest. I tore away a lower limb and savoured the firm flesh with its substructure even crunchier than that of the immatures. An interesting mixture of succulent meat and satisfying bite. I tried an upper limb and found this much as the lower, though marginally more tender. The skin, although generally pinkish in colour amongst those in my dining area, I later discovered varies quite widely, with some being much darker, almost black, and others slightly lighter in colour. During this later sampling, I was unable to detect any difference in flavour however and must assume that the outer colouring has no effect on the rest of the makeup of the species. The only influence on general flavour seems to be, not unusually, dependent on the normal diet of the sample.

The creature was near to expiration by this point and I took its head and again experienced that delicious blend of flavour and texture. I strongly recommend this part, although it is worth noting that the fibrous material, a little like hair, growing on it in various lengths and colours, is apt to produce a slight tickling sensation as masticated. Though this is not sufficiently disturbing as to require its removal before eating. The rest of the torso and the remaining limbs made for no more than three bites and was really much of a muchness with that of the immatures. In all, however, a very satisfactory dining experience.

Having sampled, indeed having partially satisfied my immediate hunger, I was about to leave for pastures new only to discover that, along with a great deal of noise and commotion, one of the strips of hardened material beyond the habitation was suddenly occupied by transport pods spewing particularly noxious fumes. Three of these arrived with flashing lights and making an undulating noise that was really quite irritating. I had, it seemed, caused the males to appear.

Two of these emerged from each pod. All bore small metal items, which they pointed at me, and began to eject small stinging missiles. I was unwilling to tolerate such abuse and quickly swiped a paw across the gathering, causing them to release their violent devices. I hate waste but was unfortunately obliged to dispose of five of the males there and then, simply crushing them underfoot. The last I cut free of its more substantial wrapping before I sampled it. There was a small but discernible difference in flavour, tending to the more savoury, and the internal organ that I had so enjoyed from the female was not quite so delicately nuanced in the male. I believe the immatures and the females of the species will best suit the sophisticated palate, whilst the larger and firmer males will better please the gluttons amongst us.

Now to the warning I promised: it is impossible to overstate the danger to the developed universe should this species of vermin be allowed to spread out beyond its own world, a possibility that appears relatively imminent, I might add. With this in mind, I suggest we take full advantage of this delightful culinary pleasure and I urge you all to sample them and experience the delight they bring to the palate.

Gourmets should make the effort to reach this planet before the species succeeds in destroying itself or, more likely, escaping its confines. They are a complete dead end as a promising potential for universal contribution to civilisation. But as a source of culinary delight, they are exceptional and certainly worth the effort. I heartily recommend a visit to this particular eatery. I know I shall return again and again to partake of that special delicacy that resides within the torso.

Go. Eat. Enjoy!

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